World of Warcrack
by Odeena Sabnach
Summary: This story doesn't make any sense. It's not supposed to. Just my way to get the silly out of my system in-between working on more serious projects. Heavy AU, possible OOC-ness, crack pairings and other random bits included.
1. It begins

_**Author's Note:**_

_This story doesn't make any sense. It's not supposed to. Just my way to get the silly out of my system in-between working on more serious projects. Heavy AU, possible OOC-ness, crack pairings and other random bits included._

_...Nothing more I can add to that, really. I merely hope to entertain :)_

_**Disclaimer:**_

_World of Warcraft is the sole property of Blizzard Entertainment. I make no claims of ownership whatsoever, but I do know that WoW stole my sanity. _

_Crash!_

Vaala didn't even bother looking up from her laptop.

_Thud!_

Vaala idly tapped a few keys. "Welcome back," she muttered, with no hopes whatsoever of making herself heard.

_Bang! _

"-and THAT's what I think about your stinking' _patch_. 'Nerfed'? _HAH!_"

"Rough day?" Vaala asked conversationally as the whirlwind of destruction that was, for some inexplicable reason, her current roommate, swept into the living room, tripped over a cable and crashed down on the floor with a loud swear.

"You have no idea," Varian Wrynn, once and future king of Stormwind, growled from the floor.

Vaala tilted her head just enough to offer him a bemused grin, then once again returned to her work. "Jaina called," she announced as Varian climbed to his feet and threw himself in one of the armchairs. "She wanted to know if you're busy tonight."

Varian made a non-committal sound. "As far as she's concerned, I'll be busy 'til Hellfire Peninsula freezes over. She's been all over my case ever since she and Thrall-" A pause, then, "Where's the remote?"

"The cable's out."

Another pause. "What?"

"I said, the cable's-"

"I _heard_ that," Varian growled. He took a deep breath. "_Why_ is the cable out?"

"Because you didn't pay for it."

Varian jumped to his feet so quickly that he nearly knocked the armchair over. Vaala knew what was coming. She glanced over the edge of her screen, waiting, counting under her breath.

One...

Two...

"_Shit._"

"Well," Vaala said pleasantly, rising from her chair and closing the lid of her laptop in one gracious movement. "It would seem that my Internet just died, too. You didn't _happen_ to not pay for it too, hmm...?"

Varian held up one finger and glared at her defiantly, "That was your job."

"Oh." Vaala arched an eyebrow, looked thoughtful for a few seconds, then waved a hand dismissively. "In that case, that leaves us with-"

"-nothing but each other to keep us company for the night," Varian finished the sentence for her.

"And we're sick of each other. Right?"

"Right."

There was an awkward pause.

"I'm going to take a bath," Varian announced loudly. "I still have raider goo all over me." He was out the door before Vaala could think of a suitably sassy response.

Wait...

'Raider _goo_?'

...It was some time later.

"So!" Varian began. He was sitting in his armchair again, wearing nothing but a loose bath robe and he felt pink and fresh and far more amiable than before.

"So," Vaala echoed from the other end of the room.

A moment later, Vaala dropped heavily into the armchair across from his. She was almost... for lack of a more elegant way to put it... naked, save for a black towel wrapped around her that covered her... essential bits. Her long, dark hair was damp and tangled, but a few loose strands fell down to her shoulders, and lower than that were –

"Oi."

Varian jerked, then looked away guiltily. "Put some damn clothes on, will you?" he muttered sullenly.

Vaala stretched her legs, then put them on the coffee table between them. "My place, my rules. So," she said again, shifting her position slightly. "My day sucked. Yours?"

"God_awful_, that's how it was," Varian answered heatedly. "I go out for five _bloody_ minutes – next thing I know, I get a call from Blizzard telling me forty people are threatening to cancel their accounts because I wasn't there for their weekly PvP raid!"

"Oh my," Vaala said with feigned shock.

"Do they even _know_ how many strings I had to pull to get them to let me kick Onyxia out of my keep? It's _my_ keep, dammit!"

"You did get to solo her in the end, though. Pretty impressive, that."

"Well." As always when he was being paid a compliment, Varian didn't know what to reply. "She still hates my guts for it," he deflected. "Last time I saw her, she tried to set me on fire."

Vaala chuckled. "Did she now? And here I thought she was perfectly happy, now that she's finally dating someone."

Varian almost choked. "What?"

"Oh, haven't you heard?" Vaala grinned deviously. "She's dating Ragnaros!"

"What," Varian deadpanned.

"Yup."

"But... she's a-"

"Yup."

"And he's a-"

"Yup."

"How do they even-"

"Don't go there."

"Huh." Varian blinked a few times, likely to chase a very disturbing mental image away. "And what does her father have to say about all this?"

"Who, Deathwing? Last I heard, he was too busy negotiating his loot table with the boys in blue to care about anything else."

"Oh."

Silence.

"So," Vaala said, twirling a thin strand of hair between her fingers.

"So," Varian echoed weakly.

"We should do something."

"Like...?"

Vaala shrugged. "Anyth—wait a minute. Jaina said something about it being 'poker night' tonight. We c-"

"No."

"Please...?"

Varian crossed his arms stubbornly. "No."

"Oh, come _on_, Wrynn. Going there is better than staying here glaring at each other. Well," she adjusted her towel slightly, "for me, anyway."

"You just want to be there because you know Illidan is going to be there."

"Do _not!_"

Varian smirked. "Admit you like Illidan, and I'll go with you."

"Admit you're a jerk, and I won't kick you out," Vaala shot back without missing a beat.

They glared at each other, neither willing to back down just yet.

"_Fine,_" Vaala conceded, rolling her eyes. "Maybe. A little. Now shut up about it."

"Good enough." Varian stood up and stretched. "Get ready. Oh... and I'm driving this time."

"No you're n-"

"My car, my rules."

"I am _definitely_ kicking you _out_," Vaala muttered under her breath as Varian disappeared.


	2. Poker night

_**Author's Note:**_

_The plot thickens! ...Sort of. Anyway. I have no idea where this is going, or if it's going anywhere for that matter. I do hope you'll enjoy it, though. _

_Also, thank you for the lovely reviews! :) _

_..._

"TOO SOON! YOU HAVE FOLDED TOO SOON, EXECUTUS!"

Everyone else dropped what they were doing and stared. Ragnaros coughed, then looked around sheepishly. "Sorry," he muttered. "Force of habit."

Majordomo Executus turned around from the poker table long enough to give Ragnaros a gentle pat on the arm. "'s all right, boss," he said reassuringly. "We don't mind."

'Actually, we _do_ mind,' thought Jaina Proudmoore, who'd offered to host the weekly poker and games night and was already beginning to regret it. Prudently, she didn't say anything out loud. Instead, she glanced at her cards. Two queens. Hmm.

"Jaina...?"

"I call," Jaina said sweetly.

The blood elf sitting to her left (whose name she couldn't remember for the world, although she _did_ know that everyone commonly referred to him as, 'Who?') promptly dropped his cards, "I fold too."

Jaina grinned a little. This only left her, and-

"YOU ARE NOT PREPARED!"

'Great,' Jaina thought, cringing. 'That's _all _we needed now' Out loud, she said, "Two queens."

"Hah." Illidan grinned smugly. "Flush." He paused a little for effect. "_Royal _flush."

"You win the pot," Jaina said with the sweetest smile she could muster under the circumstances. "Again."

"He can see our cards," 'Who?', the blood elf, hissed from the other side.

"_Anyway_," Jaina said, pointedly ignoring... ah, what _was _his name, anyway? Oh well. "I'll go get a drink. Anyone want-"

"Decaf," 'Who' said quickly.

"Vodka, please," Majordomo Executus chimed in merrily. "And make it a double."

Illidan thought for a few moments. "Ditto," he said finally.

Jaina blinked once, "Sure." 'This is the _last_ time I'm offering to be nice to these guys,' she thought furiously as she strode to the kitchen.

And that wasn't even the worst of it. Not two weeks ago, a drunken Illidan had broken down and confessed his 'undying love' to every female in the room... in turns. Jaina had found herself forced to physically restrain Ragnaros's near-human incarnation from tearing the poor chap a new one to defend his new-found sweetheart's 'honor'. And now, barely half an hour into the game, Illidan was well on his way to getting hammered yet again...

"Oh." 'Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, _no_...'

Varian quickly stood up from where he was rummaging inside the fridge. "Sorry," he said with a guilty look on his face. "Ragnaros let us in."

"...Oh." Belatedly, Jaina remembered manners. "Hello, Varian." She turned to Varian's companion, who was swirling some unidentifiable drink inside a glass with a thoughtful frown. "Hello, Vaala."

Vaala smiled pleasantly, then nodded her head in a silent greeting.

"Uh. Varian. There's something I, uh, have to tell you," Jaina began, shuffling her foot uneasily. Best to get it out of the way while she was still sane enough to be coherent. She took a deep breath. "I-"

"It's okay," Varian said quickly. "I know."

"You – _know?_" Inwardly, Jaina breathed a sight of relief. The way she'd imagined it, Varian would throw a hell of a fit over this. "And you're fine with it?"

"Sure," Varian said, hesitating only briefly. "After all, it's not my call to make, and-"

"Great!" Jaina's relief was obvious. "I made sure to tell him to be on his best behavior, and I know you'll do the same. I'm sure we can all just-"

"Wait, what?"

"What?" Jaina echoed weakly. Suddenly, the world didn't seem so nice anymore.

"What are you talking about?"

"What are _you_ talking about?"

"Varian," Vaala said softly, tapping said monarch on the shoulder and offering him a wide grin when he turned to raise his eyebrows at her. "I don't think she's talking about what you think she's talking about."

"TOO SOON! YOU HAV—oh _damn, _I did it again didn't I. Sorry... sorry, everyone, I—hey, _hey_, that is _my_ – get away from that! BY FIRE BE PURGED!"

Jaina glanced briefly towards the living room, then rolled her eyes. "Look," she hissed, and for some reason Varian flinched at the single word. "I didn't know you were coming tonight, so I called Garrosh and asked him over so we can all have a _nice_ evening together. I'm going to stop Ragnaros from setting the place on fire now, but you'd better damn well play along, or so help me I will polymorph the ever-living bejebus out of you!" She'd nearly whispered the last words, but somehow, that made them even more eerie.

"_Well?_"

Varian nodded blankly.

"Good."

"Wow," Vaala said dryly as Jaina disappeared. "I was most definitely not 'prepared' for _that_."

"Bloody hell," Varian mumbled under his breath. "I mean Thrall? _Fine. _Saurfang? Sure, as long as he doesn't try to cleave anything. But Hellscream? Here? Tonight?" He squared his shoulders. "We should go."

"Go ahead then."

"Just like that?" Varian asked, his eyes narrowing in suspicion. It couldn't be _that_ simple. With Vaala, it never was.

"Just like that. Because -" she waved a hand idly "- that leaves me the pleasure of telling _everyone_ just how the mighty Wrynn ran away because-"

"You wouldn't!"

Vaala shrugged a shoulder casually, and Varian rubbed his forehead with a sigh. Of _course_ she would. "All right," he said warily, deciding to try for another angle this time. "I'll let you have the car. When I'm not using it," he added quickly when her eyes lit up.

"Hm." Vaala considered this briefly, then shook her head. "Not good enough."

"I'll pay you double rent this month."

"_Still _not good enough."

"I'll..." Damn. He was running out of ideas.

"Car, rent, _and_ you'll have to stay for at least another game, Hellscream or not."

Now it was Varian's turn to shake his head, "I can't-"

"Trust me. All I need, is this one shot."

Varian raised a finger. "_One_ game."

"Just one," Vaala said, nodding strongly for emphasis.

Varian had to admit he'd gotten off easy this time. He still remembered pleading with her for cable TV and new armchairs in the living room, and the many things he'd tossed in as bargaining chips then. "I'll go ahead and see how long before this hand is over. Feel free to join wh-" He stopped mid-word, jaw hanging.

"What?" Vaala asked, trying to peek over his shoulder, only to miss hitting her head on the door frame by less than an inch.

Varian swallowed audibly, then turned, his massive bulk still keeping her from seeing in the other room. "I... think it's time you found someone else to crush on," he said as gently as he could.

Vaala arched an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Because Illidan..." Varian took a deep breath, then finished, "He's kissing Jaina."


	3. Fun and games

_**Author's Note:**_

_I swear, this story is taking on a life of its own. Not to mention it is SO much fun to write. The plot thickens yet again!_

_Oh, quick question to any readers out there: what other characters would you like to see? _

_..._

Varian stopped at a red light and glanced briefly at his companion. The thought to ask if she was okay came and went; he'd seen Vaala in one of her _moods_ once before, and said question had only served to get him kicked out of the apartment. He'd had no choice but to sleep in the car that night.

After the 'incident', she'd stormed out of Jaina's place without a word. A few minutes of frantic searching later, Varian had found her waiting by the car. "Let's go home," she'd said in a curiously blank voice, and that was all he'd heard from her since.

The light turned green, and Varian slammed the gas pedal a bit more enthusiastically than he'd meant to. It wasn't the first time this was happening, and it usually earned him a snarky remark about he was 'overly-aggressive' to compensate for, as she put it, 'an obvious lack of-'

"Pizza or Chinese?"

Varian almost jumped, his train of thought suddenly gone off the rails and down the proverbial abyss. "Hm?" he said smartly.

"Dinner tonight. Pizza or Chinese? I can't seem to make up my mind."

'So,' Varian thought. 'She'll just try to pretend nothing happened, and expect me... to...' He frowned. He had no idea what she was expecting him to do, even though he knew that if he did the wrong thing, chances were he'd have to sleep in the car again.

Another red light. "Go for pizza, then."

"Let's eat out somewhere," Vaala said suddenly.

So much for takeout and a quiet evening of staring at nothing and waiting to fall asleep, then. "We could... do that, sure." It was best to go with whatever she was saying, for now. "Got any place in mind?" The light turned green. Again he slammed the gas, and again she didn't seem to notice or care.

Vaala pondered the question for slightly longer than necessary, in Varian's opinion. "There's a cheap place on campus. Should be open still."

"Campus it is, then." Varian did the math. About ten minutes to Vaala's university, plus another ten to find a decent parking space. Twenty minutes of trying to make idle conversation with someone who didn't seem to want any kind of conversation. But he couldn't settle for the silence after all. He could practically _feel_ her seething underneath her supposed nonchalance. It was, for lack of a better word... unnerving. And there were very few things that actually unnerved Varian Wrynn. He _was_ the leader of the Alliance, after all.

Varian jerked and barely kept himself from swearing. They'd just run a red light.

_Damn. _

What to say... what to say...

"Say it."

Varian actually stared at her for a few seconds, forgetting all about the road. "Excuse me?"

"I _know _you, Wrynn. You've been mulling something over since about three streets back. Just say it already."

"I – uh." What was the best way to deal with this, anyway? Varian's recent years had seen a distinct lack of female companionship, and that meant he'd definitely lost his touch at handling their... quirks. Quickly, he went over the questions in his head. 'Are you all right?' and any variation thereof were out straight off the bat. 'You deserve someone better' was one sure way to invite all Hell to break loose. In the end he settled for, "Anything I can do?"

"You're already taking me out for dinner," Vaala answered with a shrug.

"Well, yes, but that was your-"

"_Besides_, now that we're dating, I couldn't really ask for anything more."

At this, Varian's mind did the only sensible thing it could think of: screamed bloody murder and ran for the hills, where it found a rock to crawl under, curl up and drift off into sweet oblivion. When he came to it some time later, they were comfortably settled at an out-of-the-way table and waiting for their food.

Right. Time to catch the tiger by the tail and hope that he wouldn't end up with his sanity mangled. "So," he began firmly.

Vaala barely looked up from the menu she was busying herself with. "Hmm?"

Varian coughed. "What are you having?" Granted, not the best way to start the conversation, but he'd work his way up to the real problem soon enough.

"I'm having what you're having, of course."

"Oh." A pause, then, "What am I having?"

Vaala thought for a few moments, then shrugged a shoulder lazily.

Varian took a deep breath. To Hell with it. "Listen. About this 'dating' business. I-"

"What 'dating business'?"

"-understand you'd want someone to... and..." Varian trailed off. "In the car, you said-"

"Oh." Vaala tossed her head back and laughed. "Oh, _that_. No... no, we're not _really _dating, who said that?"

Varian glared at her, feeling a strong urge to stab something. "_You_ said that."

"And then I said we'd just keep up the _act _of dating until Illidan and Jaina split up. Weren't you listening?"

Varian hadn't been listening, of course, but now he found himself laughing, too. So _that_ was her grand plan. Make either of the would-be lovers jealous, have them fling themselves at their true crush, then let the pieces fall where they may.

Vaala was still talking. "They don't _really_ want to be with each other, I'd say. Jaina probably thinks this is the quickest way to get over Thrall going steady with that girl from Nagrand, and Illidan... well... that should be _obvious_." A shadow passed over her narrow features, and Varian knew why. Tyrande Whisperwind, Illidan's once and future crush, was, as far as Vaala was concerned, 'She Who Must Not Be Named Or Spoken Of, Ever.'

...Wait a minute.

"What if Jaina decides she wants _me_ instead?" Varian asked suddenly. "I can't just go ahead with it! Blizzard would be all over my case!"

Vaala looked confused for a few moments. "I thought that's what they had in mind for you two, anyway," she said finally.

"What? Who said that?"

"_Nobody_ said that, Wrynn," Vaala said placidly. "But all things considered, it does make sense."

The urge to stab something came back with a vengeance. "It does _not!_"

Vaala dismissed his obvious outrage with an infuriating wave of her hand. "And anyway, why should Blizzard care what you do in your own time? They never said anything when you and Onyxia-"

"_That_ was a mistake," Varian said quickly. "And I'll thank you to never, _ever_ mention that _or_ anything concerning that foul spawn of Neltharion if you can help it."

The conversation paused abruptly as their food arrived. Varian couldn't help but notice that his pizza had an array of exotic toppings he never would have ordered had he been in his right mind. It was, he decided after taking a few bites, a combination between seafood and lots of cheese. To his surprise, it didn't taste nearly as awful as one might have expected.

They ate in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. For his part, Varian found himself actually considering Vaala's idea. She'd been right to assume that Blizzard didn't give a damn what he did on his own time, provided he didn't do anything that would damage his public image too badly. And going out with a blood elf of all women... wasn't _exactly_ a stretch. After all, there _had_ been fans – 'shippers', they were called – who'd been quick to speculate his feelings for Valeera Sanguinar weren't exactly of the 'friendly' persuasion and... wait, actually, the backlash of _that_ had left him with a humongous mess to clean afterwards.

Still, _not _doing it was probably not the brightest course of action, all things considered. He could deal with fans, shippers, even Blizzard if need be. Vaala Dawnstrike, on the other hand, could do a myriad little things to make his life a living hell, the least of which was kick him out of her apartment.

"I'll do it."

"Great!" A pause, then, "You _do_ know what to-"

"Hey," Varian cut in, slightly offended. "I _have _dated before, if that's what you're implying."

There was no more talking after this particular exchange. True to his word – well, _her_ word, to be accurate – Varian paid for both of them, then held the door open for her like any true gentleman would. Once outside, he offered his arm, and she took it with a... giggle? Well. She was _really_ enjoying this, wasn't she.

"_Omigosh!_"

Varian froze. His warrior instincts told him to run like _hell_, but for some reason his feet were rooted to the ground. Next to him, Vaala tensed, likely sensing the danger as well.

Three girls were fast aproaching from the other side, giggling and chattering as they went. _Fangirls_. He'd dealt with them before, and Blizzard had strongly suggested therapy after that. "When I give the signal," he hissed, "we run for it. With any luck, we can make it to the car before-"

"Oh. My _God._ Vaala? Who's that _stunning_-looking man you're with?"

For the second time that evening, Varian's thoughts skidded to a complete halt. He felt Vaala let go of his arm, and watched her go and hug each of the girls in turns. Finally she turned and beamed at him, beckoning him to come closer. For some reason undocumented by science or sanity, he obliged.

"Ladies," Vaala said smugly. "This is my boyfriend, Varian Wrynn. Varian – meet Debra, Christie and Allison. We take most of our classes together."

Varian recalled himself long enough to give a quick bow. "It's a pleasure," he muttered.

This earned him another wave of giggles. "He's so _charming!_" one of the girls – Debra or Allison, he already wasn't sure of which was which – chirped in a sing-song voice.

"Oh, you have _got_ to bring him along for the dance!" Christie – this one was _definitely _Christie... or was it Christine? - chimed in, clapping her hands with too much excitement for anyone's good.

Dance? What dance? He _couldn't_ dance! "It's been so _lovely_ meeting you girls, but we have to go," Speaking, Varian slipped one hand around Vaala's shoulders and none-too-gently lead her away to a chorus of would-be swoons and sighs. "That," he began tersely once they were out of earshot. "That was-"

"Brilliant, wasn't it? And you didn't even have to kiss me to be convincing! Or," Vaala said, holding up a finger, "was it shocking for you to discover that the universe _doesn't_ revolve around you at all times? Seriously, Wrynn. Not _everybody_ plays World of Warcraft, and even if they did, you're not _nearly_ as-"

"Careful," Varian growled, his earlier annoyance surging to a new high. "I know we're 'pretend'-dating, but I could always just 'pretend'-break up with you and let that be that."

"Oh." Vaala bit her lower lip with an almost genuinely-looking hurt expression. "Does that mean I don't get to poke fun at you anymore?"

"Well." He felt... slightly bad for having said what he'd said, and that surprised him. "Just..." _Damn._ If he backed down now, he'd leave the door open for all sorts of nasty things.

And still...

"I won't, then," Vaala said quietly. "And thank you for doing this."

"No problem." A thought struck him all of a sudden. He reached into one of his pockets and fished out the car keys. "Here. You drive this time."

Vaala flashed him a wide grin, then unexpectedly stood on her toes to give him a peck on the cheek. "You're _too _easy," she all but giggled as she was pulling away. "Meet you at the car!" With that, she broke into a run towards the parking lot.

Varian found himself staring after her and feeling like a complete and utter fool in more ways than one.


	4. Chance encounter

_**Author's Note:**_

_Something possessed me to go back and finish this chapter tonight. No idea what. Still had fun writing, tho'. (The next Shadow update is coming along nicely, too, and there will be no more delays for the foreseeable future.)_

...

Elsewhere, Kael'thas Sunstrider was _not _having a good night.

He'd managed to slip out of the condo he shared with his 'advisors' – a bunch of arrogant, self-indulging pricks, really – and find a quiet place where he could chill at an out-of-the-way table, toss back shot after shot and reminisce about the good old days-

Wait... no, that wasn't right at all. There was nothing good about the 'old days', not since he'd been stupid enough to renew his contract as a raid boss for the fourth year in a row. Another thing where his advisors had failed royally. 'What could _possibly_ go wrong?' they'd told him. And now, seven days a week – six, if the stars aligned and extended maintenance happened – he was mostly stuck in Tempest Keep, with no-one but his advisors and the occasional twenty-five people hell-bent on bloody murder to keep him company.

Well, it _was _funny to watch them wipe, at least. It was usually the healers that ended up taking the brunt of it, or the tanks if the healers would drop group and (or) bubble-hearth. Oftentimes they'd just sit there and argue right under Kael's nose, and he'd be too caught up laughing at their half-assed insults to bother killing them again.

Still, all things considered, his life wasn't nearly where he wanted it to be.

"Hi there!"

It took Kael a few seconds to realize he was being spoken to. He looked up from his drink to find yet another young woman in clothing that left very little to the imagination leaning over the table and offering him a _very_ ample view of her endowments.

Too bad he wasn't in the mood.

"Do I know you?" He had to shout to make himself heard over the loud music and the many conversations going on at once.

The girl laughed and changed her position slightly so he could get a better angle. "Would you like to?" she purred.

"Not really, no."

"Oh." A pause, then, "Okay, maybe we got off on the wrong foot. Let's try again. My name is Cheri, and you are...?"

"Not interested_._" He looked down at his drink pointedly. When he looked up again, Cheri was gone.

Thank the Sun.

It wasn't the first time some girl who looked barely old enough to drink randomly threw herself at him. In fact, this was happening almost on a daily basis whenever he wasn't stuck playing loot pinata with guilds like 'HORD KILLAZ' and 'exalted with ur mum'. So far tonight, he'd turned down three offers, and set a fourth girl's purse on fire - subtly, of course, since any 'inappropriate' use of magic in this particular world was highly frowned upon by the Powers That Be.

And speaking of magic, what kind of a world was this, anyway? Nothing ever seemed quite right here, despite repeated assurances from his Blizzard liaison that everything was 'Working As Intended' and any problems would be addressed 'Soontm'. Kael had no idea why his liaison insisted on spelling 'soon' with an uppercase 'TM' after, but he'd long since written it off as one of her many strange habits. Either way, for someone who was supposed to know the ins and outs of both Azeroth and the-world-that-wasn't-Azeroth, she could be really _weird_ sometimes.

"Excuse me-"

Kael ignored the fifth pretender for the night. He tossed back the rest of his drink, then stood up and closed his eyes until the bar stopped spinning. To hell with this.

A few minutes later, Kael stepped out in the street, staggering a little. The chill of the night hit him like a full shield slam to the face. He took a few hesitant steps, eyes scanning for a cab, or a bus, or anything else he could ride home. He didn't feel like walking. Walking was what peasants did, and he was still a prince, dammit.

"Really? _Really_, Wrynn? The one time I get to drive, and the engine just _has _to go and die on me for _no bloody reason?_"

The voice sounded sort of familiar. It was coming from the opposite side of the street, where a car appeared to have broken down. The hood was open, and two figures were hunched over the still-steaming engine and, at the moment, scratching their heads. Kael did a double-take. He knew one of them – the girl, Vanessa or Victoria or some other name starting with 'V'. The other one was undoubtedly King Varian Wrynn, whom Kael vaguely recalled seeing at an NPC gathering some time back. Onyxia had tossed a drink in his face then. He chuckled at the memory. _That _was a perfect example of 'good times'.

Oh well, a ride from them was as good as anything. Kael waved, then, realizing neither had seen it, crossed the street and cleared his throat politely. "Excuse me," he began, "but-"

"Go away," the girl said without looking up.

Kael blinked. If this was what sudden rejection felt like, then he could almost find it in himself to feel sorry for all the girls he'd been turning down lately. Almost. If only he could remember her _name_, for the love of mercy. "I believe we've met before, and-"

She straightened up at this, annoyed, and opened her mouth, no doubt to send him on his not-so-merry way under pain of a slow and torturous death. A second later, she clamped her mouth shut and her face reddened slightly. Kael grinned a little. He'd obviously been recognized, _and _she wasn't trying to beat the ever-living bejebus out of him for loot. "Um," she said finally. "Is there – what can we – I mean, me – how can – what's up?" She did a small curtsy, which looked ridiculously out of place. It was almost endearing, in a way. He couldn't blame her, either; this was how most girls reacted to his presence, anyway.

Varian was watching him now, one eyebrow arched. "You should be proud of yourself," he said flatly. "That's the first time I've ever heard Vaala offer to help someone whose name isn't Illidan Stormrage." He leaned back and crossed his arms, obviously pleased with himself and oblivious to the fact that his friend was glaring bloody murder at him behind his back. "What can we help you with?"

Kael didn't answer straight away. His mind was still hooked on the name Stormrage, and all the negativity that went with it. "You're friends with Illidan?" he asked at length.

"Well, she-"

"Oh, no, _no_, not _really_ 'friends', I wouldn't say," the girl cut in quickly. "More like acquaintances, really. We meet up at Jaina's poker nights, have a chat, you know how it is."

Jaina... Another blast from the past. Kael sighed. Well, if the Universe wasn't hell-bent on making him feel even _more _miserable tonight. "If you could just point me to where I can get a cab, I'll be out of your way," he said weakly.

"I think I saw-"

"_Actually_, we can give you a ride, _can't we_, Varian?"

Varian crossed his arms. "I really wish you'd let me finish at least _one_ sentence every now and then," he grumbled. "Besides, the engine is still-"

"You had your sentence. Now hand over the keys."

"But _the car won't_-"

"Zap it!"

Varian had to remember to breathe _slowly_. "You can't _talk_ to me like that," he grumbled. "Besides, I think you meant 'zip it'. To 'zap' is to-"

"_Your Highness_," Vaala said pointedly, turning to Kael with another attempt at a curtsy – a slightly better one this time, if he was any judge. "It would seem that our battery has died, so would you be so graciously kind as to _zap it _for us, please?" She glared at Varian out of the corner of her eye.

Kael shrugged. His liaison would give him hell for it tomorrow, but right now he was tipsy and he didn't care. "Of course," he said pleasantly. He moved over to examine the engine and frowned at the many bits and pieces of unfamiliar shape. A blind, drunken goblin could've probably put together something better-looking than _that_.

Behind him, Kael heard Varian say, very, very quietly, "If he blows up _my_ car, you're paying me back."

There was a shuffle of footsteps, then Vaala appeared next to him and pointed out to something square-shaped and greasy-looking. "That's the battery, right there," she offered. "It doesn't need much, just enough juice to get all of us home in one piece." She didn't curtsy this time.

Kael frowned. "If it's juice you need, then I have none to offer." After a moment, he added, "There is a bar across the street, if alcohol is an acceptable substitute."

Vaala bit her lips, but not before a very tell-tale sound made it past them. "_Electricity _was what I meant to say, my lord. A little arcane transfer should do the trick."

"_A little_," Varian echoed from behind.

Kael nodded to show he'd understood, then pushed his sleeves up and tried to think of a spell that would amount to just that. When he couldn't find any, he shrugged and cast the first thing that came to mind. Oh, they were going to _love_ that.


	5. Reevan to the rescue

_**Author's Note: **_

_In case you haven't been following my other story, 'Shadow of Shadowmoon', Reevan is Vaala's fussy older brother. Just to clear up any confusion :) Thank you for your lovely reviews!_

_..._

It had been a perfectly good night until the phone rang at an hour that was so late it was almost early the next day.

Reevan Dawnstrike didn't even bother to check the number. There was only one person who still called him at unholy in the morning and couldn't care less about consequences or common sense. Instead of 'Hello?', he answered with, "What did you do this time?"

"I need you to bail us out," came Vaala's voice from the other end. "Don't worry, Varian will pay you back in the morning."

Reevan's mind went over each word twice on the off-chance that he was still dreaming and his sister had simply called to ask how he was, even though he knew he'd heard every damn word _perfectly_. "Can't you ask Wrynn to bail you out?" he groaned.

Vaala coughed. "Not while he's in here with me."

"My first question still stands, then," Reevan said flatly.

There was a brief moment of silence, then, "Speeding, obstruction of justice and indecent exposure. Don't worry though, that last bit wasn't _actually_ me."

After a second or two of pondering, Reevan decided he didn't want to know. "Where are you?"

"Where are we?"

"How should I know?"

"I obviously wasn't talking to you. Hold on."

There was a muffled conversation on the other end. Reevan began to drum his fingers on the top of his nightstand. Leave it to Vaala to find new and _creative_ ways to get in trouble. At least on Azeroth, she could solve most of her problems with a boot to the face of whoever was suicidal enough to get in her way. Not so much in this world, it seemed.

"Still there?"

Reevan rolled his eyes. "_No, _I've teleported to the Golden Gate Bridge."

"Where's that?"

Reevan's fingers paused in the air. That question had caught him completely off-guard. He'd just blurted out the first place notorious enough to come to mind, but where _was_ that bridge, anyway? And more importantly, why was he even - "Were _you _able to figure out where you are?"

"Well, Varian says it's the same place as last time." A pause, then, "You _do_ remember where that was, right? We're down to our last quar-" The call was cut off abruptly.

Reevan did remember where _that_ place was, and he certainly wasn't looking forward to flitting around in search of an all-night ATM and then driving to the other end of the city only to be greeted by the aftermath of whatever 'speeding', 'obstruction of justice' and – ye gods, he couldn't get himself to actually _think _of the last one. There was no question as to whether he'd do it or not. After all, she _was_ his sister.

The sight that greeted Reevan some two hours later was certainly one he hadn't expected. His sister was cuddled up against Varian – who she'd repeatedly claimed annoyed her to death – with her head on his shoulder and apparently asleep. The once and future King of Stormwind didn't seem to mind. They almost looked _normal_ together. Reevan decided he _really_ didn't want to know.

Once the formalities were taken care of – with the utmost bureaucratic inefficiency characteristic to this world, much to Reevan's chagrin – they were finally allowed to retrieve their car and drive away. Varian had insisted on driving this time, and Vaala didn't argue, which was uncharacteristic of her. Stranger still, it didn't take long before she turned to Reevan and said, "Thanks for that."

Reevan shrugged. He was too tired to grill her for whatever she wasn't telling him this time. "You're welcome," he muttered. With a little luck, he'd be home and asleep soon, and this whole incident would become 'that one time, when you went and got yourself arrested and I had to bail you out in the middle of the night...' Hell, he couldn't settle for it after all. "How did you two manage to-"

"Three."

"-pardon?"

"Three," Vaala said smugly. "You'll never guess who we ran into when our car broke down."

There was a growl from the driver's seat, "_Our_ car?"

"He gets very territorial sometimes," Vaala said under her breath. "Last week, he-"

Reevan sighed. "Focus. _Please_. Who did you run into when y- when _Varian's _car broke down?"

Vaala grinned and... giggled? The end of the world was nigh. "None other than the Sun King himself," she said. "And you'll _never_ guess what he-"

"Kael'thas?" Reevan said, blinking. "He's... _here?_"

"Who else would haste-buff a car and then pretend he'd 'accidentally' cast the wrong spell when the cops pulled us over?" Vaala said sweetly. "Oh, and in case you were wondering, that 'indecent exposure' thing was him. He-"

"I _wasn't_ wondering, but thanks for that," Reevan said quickly.

The sarcasm bounced right off. "You're welcome."

They didn't speak much after that. The sky was starting to turn a milky white by the time they reached Reevan's apartment building and he bid them both good night, wondering whether he should be worried at his new turn of events. For one, Varian and Vaala seemed to be getting along rather than bicker over every little thing. And then, if Kael'thas Sunstrider really was here – because really, who _else_ would haste-buff a _car?_ - then that brought the total of Azerothians in this world to an all-time high, and that wasn't necessarily a good thing. At some point, the whole of Azeroth and Outland had felt too small for all of them, and this city was infinitely smaller than either world.


	6. Stormwind

_**Author's Note: **_

_*crawls out from under rock* Well, so much for 'no delays' ^^; (sorry!) From 'ere on out I won't be making any promises about either story I'm working on. Seems a lot fairer that way. (Also, real life burns out my time and creativity worse than a cosmic-class vacuum.) And finally, Sap is OP. Seriously :)_

_..._

Varian Wrynn sighed very, very quietly and rolled his eyes. There were no clocks in the throne room, and for the tenth time that day he wondered why on Azeroth his decorators had overlooked such a simple but _essential_ detail. In spite of his liaison's repeated assurances that 'something' would happen 'very Soon(TM)', his job as a monarch was getting... well... _boring_. Each day felt like it was dragging on... and on... and /on/...

"Hey."

Varian jerked up and looked around - discreetly, of course. The last thing he wanted was to have his guards think that their king was hearing things. He must've dozed off. The thought of a nice, refreshing afternoon nap made him yawn openly. For the love of the Light, how much longer until-

"Hey!"

There was no mistaking it; he'd actually _heard_ the word this time. What was infinitely more concerning was that he knew the voice.

"_Hey!_ Stop ignoring me, dammit! Do you have any idea what I went through to get here?"

'Obviously not enough to deter you,' Varian thought bitterly. Then again, Vaala Dawnstrike was hardly the kind of woman to be deterred by _anything_. She'd gone toe to toe with some of Azeroth's least family-friendly villains to date and came out swinging.

_Clang!_

One of the guards posted at the entrance keeled over without so much as a grunt. The other guards didn't so much as flinch. Their stoicism was something Varian had yet to wrap his mind around. Sometimes, it seemed that these 'NPCs' - of which Blizzard had a near limitless supply - really did lack any functions other than to serve as cannon fodder for whatever Horde PvPers were bored enough to come calling.

_Whack!_

A second guard followed in the metaphorical footsteps of the first. Varian shook his head and covered his face with his palm. "Was that really necessary?" he said out of the corner of his mouth when a set of light footsteps announced him that Vaala was back within earshot.

"Got your attention, didn't it? And those guys are supposed to respawn quickly, anyway."

Varian took a deep breath. 'Keep calm,' he thought. It didn't work. 'Keep _calm_ and play _along_,' his mind growled desperately. Any alternative to that scenario would probably - no, _absolutely_ spell trouble with a capital 'V'. "What are you doing here, anyway?"

There was no reply.

"Vaala...?"

Nothing. Well, if that more-trouble-than-she-was-worth rogue had gotten bored of him already, then praise the Light and-

"Yer Majesty?"

Varian blinked, then glared at the shifty-looking dwarf that had somehow materialized smack in the middle of his keep without any of the guards so much as showing _intent_ to question the fellow as to who he was and what his alleged business with the King of Stormwind was. "Yes?"

The dwarf didn't even bother to bow. "Just flew in from Westfall, Yer Majesty, and ye won't believe what me eyes have seen..."

Varian leaned back in his throne and stifled another yawn. Here was yet another misguided adventurer who thought he didn't already know that the Defias Brotherhood was rising under the leadership of Edwin VanCleef's daughter... ah, Varessa, was it? No, that was Rhonin's wife. Or was that V_e_ressa? Varian decided he didn't care. If Blizzard required him to play dumb for the umpteenth time, then so be it. Now, what was he supposed to say - oh, _right_. "I will deploy a battalion of soldiers to Westfall at once," he intoned, not quite managing to sound anything but bored. "With the Defias Brotherhood reborn, an old threat to the kingdom is renewed." He paused for a second, then finished, "You may go away now."

The dwarf didn't budge. "What about my reward, yer Majesty...?"

Varian rolled his eyes. What did these people think, that Stormwind was _made_ of money?

_Stab!_

The body of the dwarf folded neatly to the ground, stood there for about half a second, then disappeared, leaving a neatly-posed skeleton behind. A second later, Varian distinctly heard the words, "You're welcome."

Varian crossed his arms. "I'm pretty sure ganking my subjects is frowned upon." 'By me, anyway,' he thought wryly. As far as he knew, Blizzard didn't give a damn about ganking in general, and about Horde ganking Alliance in particular.

"He'll respawn at the graveyard, if he didn't already," Vaala quipped. "And I saved you from having to give him his 'reward', so if it's not too much trouble I'll take-"

"Don't _even_ think about it. Now, are you going to tell me why you're in my keep, or do you really want to see me when I aggro? I promise you, you won't like me when I aggro." It was an empty threat and she probably knew it, but it felt good to assert a little bit of dominance anyway. And, miraculously, it worked.

"We have a situation back home," Vaala said flatly.

A 'situation'? "Elaborate." 'And my car better be fine, dammit.'

"Your car's fine," Vaala went on, almost as if she was reading his mind. Or maybe she was.

Thank the Light. "Then? What could possibly be so important that it warrants you bothering me at work _and_ risking-"

"Jaina and Illidan broke up."

"Oh." Varian took a moment to process the news and found no threat of impending doom there. "Isn't that what you wanted in the first place?"

Silence.

"Great," Varian muttered out loud, resigning to keep an eye out for any more guards that toppled over for no explicable reason and-

_Thud!_

The guards swarmed. Varian watched them run around aimlessly for a while, wondering whether he should call them off, for their own safety if nothing else. However, judging by the sound of things – particularly the death grunt that couldn't have belonged to anything but an orc (or a blood elf with a sore throat) – the guards had actually gotten off their collective behinds and done their job, for a change. Which meant that yet another intruder had managed to slip inside the keep. Granted, a clumsy one, but still.

"Yikes. I'd hate to be _that _guy when he respawns." A chuckle, then, "You're welcome."

In spite of his better judgement, Varian couldn't help but ask. It was the way of things, after all. "What for?"

"C'mon, after what they did to his spleen-"

"No no _no_." Light, was she doing it on purpose? "What am I supposed to be 'welcome' for?"

"Oh. Because he was going to try to whack you, of course. And if _I_ hadn't knocked him out of stealth first, your guards would've never caught him in time."

It was getting more and more difficult to keep a straight face. Thankfully, no one had noticed that their king was apparently talking to himself yet, but odds were that would change if he lost it now, and reminding Vaala that she wasn't supposed to attack her own faction was probably going to result in an argument that would trigger precisely that. "Fine. You're welcome. _Very_ welcome, in fact. Now, what were you on about before? And for the love of mercy, make it quick. I can't be seen talking to you. Not here. _Especially_ not here."

"Well... Jaina and Illidan broke up."

"You already said that," Varian said flatly. "And?"

"Illidan... sort of... came on to me." Was it just a fancy, or did Vaala actually sound embarrassed, for once? She certainly wasn't the usual chatterbox she became whenever the conversation had anything to do with Illidan Stormrage.

Varian didn't like to repeat himself, but the thick silence oozing from where Vaala was supposed to be standing didn't leave him with any other alternative. "And?"

"I'm... not sure I want him is all. He's not... really... all there, if you know what I mean."

"I don't know what you mean." What _did _that mean, anyway? Varian had always wondered what wasn't 'there' – and, for that matter, where exactly was 'there' supposed to be. The language they spoke over in not-Azeroth was certainly... confusing.

"Cuckoo. Deranged. Basket case. Touched in the head. Around the bend. Mad as a-"

Case in point. "Oh."

"Yeah."

Silence.

"Well," Varian began awkwardly, "then, uh, tell him it's not working out." Why the hell was she bothering him for relationship advice, anyway? Unless – but _no_, that was inconceivable. Even for her.

Vaala sighed. "I did."

Varian tapped his foot idly. After a while, it became clear that he was supposed to say something else. "Uh. And...?"

"He didn't take it too well. Didn't take it well at all, in fact."

"Oh. Is that the 'situation' you felt so strongly you had to bother me for?" For some reason, Varian didn't feel nearly as annoyed as he tried to make himself sound, and that surprised him.

Another sigh, then, "Not... exactly. Y'see... we were in the apartment when I told him, and then he sort of – well, he locked himself in your room and won't come out. I tried to talk him out of-"

"My room?"

"Yes. He said-"

"_My_ room?"

Some of the guards finally picked up that something unusual was happening with their monarch. One of them coughed and tried, "Your Majesty?"

Varian ignored the guard completely. "Give me five minutes to wrap things up here." He raised his voice, "And _somebody_ find me a portal mage. _Nobody _goes in my room but me, dammit!" The last sentence came out as a growl more than anything.

From her hiding place in the shadows, Vaala grinned. "Knew that'd get your attention," she muttered. Now then, the mage was probably going to take their sweet time to arrive. Therefore, in the meantime...

_Thump!_


	7. Wherein plot happens

"If I told you once, I told you a hundred times: enough with the DAMN noise already!"

Vaala smiled. "We're sorry, mister Velen," she said sweetly. "It won't happen again."

Velen sighed and shook his head - a remarkable feat, since his beard had a tendency to get in the way _a lot _these days. "Yes... yes, it will," he said sadly. "And next time, I WILL call the police! MARK MY WORDS!"

The smile stayed in place, but now it showed just a little more teeth than was strictly necessary. "I don't see that happening, mister Velen."

The draenei prophet, once a guiding beacon of hope to his an entire race (and subtly Demoted to Extra at some point since) tapped his forehead with a grimace. "_I_ do."

Behind them, Varian decided he'd heard just about enough. "We'll deal with that when it happened," he growled in Velen's general direction.

Once they were safely inside – with the door locked behind them for good measure – Vaala dropped in one of the armchairs and rubbed her eyes with a tired sigh. "To think he's _supposed_ to be deaf," she muttered. When Varian didn't answered, she looked up, "What are you-"

"That." Varian jerked his head towards the door to his room, which stood slightly ajar. "Was it like that when you left?"

Vaala glanced over her shoulder, then shook her head. "I told you, he'd locked himself in."

Suddenly, Varian felt naked without his sword. Sure, Illidan Stormrage had been mostly harmless lately (self-abuse notwithstanding), but he was in no hurry to find out if the ancient half-demon had any fight left in him.

Even though hesitating now would probably do irreparable damage to his image as a fierce and _fearless_ combatant.

If only he had his damn _sword_.

"I'm going in," Varian announced in what he hoped was a firm and confident voice.

Vaala shrugged. In any other circumstances, she would have teased Varian mercilessly over his obvious reluctance to confront their untimely intruder. Today, however, she didn't care – and, more alarmingly, she didn't _care_ that she didn't care. She knew it was all because of that stupid crush, but it wasn't supposed to feel so bad, damn it. Suppose things would've-

"What in the nine circles of _Hell_ happened to my room?"

Vaala paused mid-thought and watched Varian reemerge from said room, eyes wide. Well, at least Illidan was gone, else he would've made his presence known by now. Emboldened by the fact, she turned an inquiring glance towards Varian. "What's wrong?"

"There's..." Varian made a face and made an inviting gesture, "See for yourself."

This was new. Varian was very, _very _territorial when it came to his room, and he'd never actually invited anyone in there before. Intrigued, Vaala stood up and obliged, with Varian in tow. What she found there made her blink once and mutter, "Wow."

She'd only caught a glimpse of Varian's room twice before, and both times the place had looked like the Deatwhing, the Scourge and the Burning Legion had stomped through, doubled back, then thrashed everything all over again for good measure before going on their merry way. And someone had obviously taken issue with that, because the room she was in now looked nothing like that. Everything had been washed, folded and tucked away neatly, sorted by either size, shape or title. Every flat surface had been polished so thoroughly it gleamed. Even the carpet felt soft and fuzzy underfoot.

Throughout her many years working as a rogue, Vaala had seen her fair share of things that didn't make sense. This one, however, was so mind-boggling that all she could do for nearly a minute was stand there and gape.

Then a neatly-folded piece of paper on the desk caught her eye. She picked it up warily between thumb and forefinger, unfolded it and scanned the contents, eyes growing wider with each word. Finally, she handed it over to Varian, turned and left without a word. Moments later, a wild roar of laughter drifted in from the kitchen.

Varian listened to it for a few seconds, then shrugged and began to read,

_Illidan has been off his meds for too long. I did my best to clean up the mess he made, and apologies for that. He won't be bothering you again any time soon._

_- M.S._

_PS.: If you see Tyrande, tell her I still think she's a bitch._

Varian paused, then read the note again, struggling to cope with the absurdity of it all. M.S. could only stand for Maiev Shadowsong, whose obsession with Illidan must have reached a whole new high if she'd chased him all the way _here._ Still... why would she take the time to... _clean _anything?

"OCD," Vaala said lazily a few minutes later, when a very puzzled Varian asked her the same question.

Varian quirked an eyebrow. "Oh-cee-what?"

"Obsessive-compulsive disorder."

"Oh." Pause. "I always thought her 'obsession' was with Illidan, not..." Varian snorted a little, "Housekeeping."

"Manifests in more ways than one," Vaala answered after a moment. "All her letters were _exactly _the same height, too. Wouldn't be surprised if all the dashes on her _t_-s, etcetera, were the same length, too."

Varian nodded with a thoughtful frown. Something still nagged at his mind, but the thought refused to come out in the open, where he could see it and hopefully put it out of its misery for having dared to bother him. Since Vaala didn't look too talkative at the moment, he decided to keep still and let the thought come to him, which, after a while, it did. It wasn't a _bad _thought, all things considered. "Shouldn't we do something about it?"

The question brought Vaala back from whatever reverie she was indulging in. "Hmm?"

"Illidan. If Maiev has him, shouldn't we – at least, shouldn't _you_, as a former minion and all that, do something about it?"

"I suppose," Vaala said slowly, "I _could _track down Maiev, kick her behind six ways to Winter's Veil, break Illidan free of whatever box she's keeping him in this time and make him all better with the power of my devotion." She took a deep breath, then finished, "And that's exactly what I'm _not _going to do."

Varian blinked. He definitely hadn't expected _that_.

Vaala rolled her eyes. "Oh, don't _look _at me like that, Wrynn. I have a feeling someone else will step up and take that job, and _then_ I'll have the double satisfaction of shaking her hand and saying I told you so. Lunch?"

Before Varian had a chance to process the changes in her tone and manner, the phone rang.

"I'll get it!" A moment later, Vaala was already pacing the living room, receiver in hand. "Yes. Yes. No, he's not- That? Oh, _that. _Wasn't me. Yes, I'll pass it along. You too." She turned to the kitchen and announced loudly, "They need you back in Stormwind. Something about a PvP raid 'porting in or something."

Varian pushed himself up with a groan. It was frightening how quickly things were returning to a semblance of normal even after... well... all _that._ As he passed Vaala in the living room, he paused. "Are you going to be okay?"

The look he got in return almost made him glad that there would be a world between them for the next few hours at least.


End file.
